Bundles Withdrawal

When summer began, I was so excited... The time had finally come to rock "down-to-there" curly hair. I was so excited to order 3 bundles of kinky curly, tiny curly, and Brazilian curly hair. Each bundle to be no shorter than 18 inches. If hair is a woman's glory, then I was going to be serving up glory "for the MASSES"! I had already started shopping for cute hair accessories, headbands, and flowers to wear in my massive head-full o'curls. I had new dresses, rompers, lipsticks, and sandals all lined up perfectly. 

I went to my favorite website, to place my order, entered my billing and shipping info then closed my iPad and waited for the arrival of my goodies. A week went by, the order never came. I emailed customer service, it seems there was an error, and my order was never received. No worries, "good things come to those who wait." When it comes to the beauty process, I've learned to be patient. I turned on my iPad and tried to process the order again, but something inside my spirit wouldn't let me hit send. I sat and pondered what was 'iggin me. True enough, I have been a longtime opponent of the $1Billion dollar beauty business, fueled by European beauty standards that are water-boarded down the throats of black women around the globe. I am annoyed by how many of us intravenously get high off of being as close to this beauty standard, as possible. And I'm pissed off at how many black women have bought into these standards lock, stock and barrel, spending our money with businesses that would never spend their money with us, or give back to our communities.

 As a people, our women had become addicted, and the Asian hair industry our supplier. And what is our drug of choice? BUNDLES!  A bundle of hair, that has usually been collected from multiple sources such as other women (dead or alive), and sometimes even creatures, is sewn onto a thick thread about 48 inches long. Each bundle depending on its donor(s) source, length, and texture can be sold at a price of anywhere between $30 - $200 per bundle. The bundles are sold by Asian distributors and Indian suppliers, who categorize the hair by length: 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 24 and even 30 inches of hair; and texture (described as): Brazillian, Indian, Malaysian and Peruvian hair. For three bundles a woman can easily spend $300, just as I was prepared to do. 

I began to feel conviction in my spirit for spending $300 to support a beauty standard that said I "wasn't pretty as is", that "my hair wasn't good enough to be worn in public in its natural state", that I needed to "wear someone else's glory on top of mine." I was upset with myself for my willingness to support the Asian business empire which laughed at the very black women it sold self-esteem on a bundle to. I was upset for copping out with a short term solution of a weave, rather than making a long term investment in my real hair. I had had enough. I wondered, what would happen if instead of ordering 3 bundles of Brazillian curly hair, I took that same $300 and invested it into my own hair. 

My hair is a 4c in texture and around 10 inches long. I'm pretty certain my hair would grow just fine if I keep it moisturized and took care of my ends. I pondered, what if I took that $300 and spent it on purchasing nurturing hair products, hair growth vitamins, protective styling and heat free styling tools? Could I find flattering protective styles for type 4c hair that did not involve wearing extensions. I decided to purchase a system that I had heard rave reviews about Instagram, called Mielle Organics, created by an African American nurse. Her product line includes a co-wash (conditioner used instead of shampoo), a deep conditioner, a leave-in conditioner, hair milk, a hair oil and vitamins (all for under $100).   I also invested in new elastic bands, and a hair steamer ($60), to allow the deep conditioner to penetrate better.

I'm almost 60 days in, and I'm not sure if my hair is any longer, but its certainly healthy and tangle-free thanks to the amazing Babassu oil deep conditioner. 

I don't know how long it will take to grow another 10 inches of hair, but I'm convinced that I'd rather spend another $300 to invest in my own glory, than spending it to covet someone else's. 

 

Husband School

Today I had an incredible conversation. I spoke with a man that I've spoken to many times before. Since I was a young girl, I spoke to a man who shared life advice with me. He offered me encouragement as a young girl. A rudy older gentlemen, of Russian lineage, and a thick accent named, Arkadiy. 

As I changed from a girl into a woman, Arkadiy unctioned me to find a nice guy and settle down, after I finished school of course. When I graduated college and went off to law School, Arkadiy would ask me each time I came home "My dear do you have a boyfriend yet?" "Are you dating anyone" Although I've had a constant stream of suitors, none were ever my idea of marriage material... they were just someone to pass the time. When I responded no, he would say, "thats ok, you have time..." 

This year when I saw Arkadiy, he didn't tell me I had time or a few more years. "My darling, how old are you now?" I told him I was a few years removed from thirty. This time, his eyebrow furrowed. He was markedly concerned... "My darling, its time to find a husband and settle down." I would recount how I'd yet to find anyone worthy. He listened patiently. I told him that I was doing my best to interview quality guys, but none of them were a good match. Arkadiiy listened, and then he took a deep breath.

"My dear, you will Never meet your dream man... he does not exist."  Is this what they tell women approaching 30? Geez! Just take all the air out of my sail why don't you?!

"My dearest, you look for the basics : smart, handsome, tall, educated... And once you have the core basics you can then train him to do the rest." TRAIN??? HUH? WHAT? WHO ME? WHY?

Is that why everyone is getting married this year sans me? Are they training the men who I would easily discard for innappropriate behavior?

Often, I believed taking a man who didn't fit my vision board description, as my husband meant that I would be settling in a DOWNWARD direction. I was morally opposed to settling downward with a guy who would just be a divorce-in-the-making a few years down the road, all in the name of being able to say "I'se married now." For instance, the guy Arkadiy saw me with was a handsome, strapping attorney, but he didn't know how to use his words to build me up, he was negative and condescending...

But this concept Arkadiy introduced, on training a man rocked my world.

"My dearest, here is what you do, when you date a guy, you spend time with him to see how he is. If he does things that you don't like or can't accept, you go to him draped in honey and humor and you say, "honey I understand that when you are dealing with the world that you have to be tough, but there is one place you don't have to do that, and thats with me... I'm soft thats why I like soft things, flowers, cashmere, silk, and diamonds. LOL  be soft with me, I don't need the harsh words, just the soft ones"

At this point, I'm skeptical... I don't believe in coercing or begging a man to treat me well, and this is what it was starting to sound like. But it was all a part of Arkadiy's master plan. Here's where the lesson comes in, you give yourself one year (ONE) to train this guy into the man of your dreams. You spend time working with him and talking to him draped in honey and humor, you tell him 'I like you but I can not be in a relationship with a person who ______' and if he is in love with you he will change his ways. Take the relationship two weeks at a time. When you give him the request, test him on it and see if he is making adjustments. If he is making excuses, and unwilling to change he doesn't love you and he is not the one. While you test him, you will learn about him, if he's sweet, if he's stubborn, if he's angry. 

"As you begin to spend time with him, you will see the man of your dreams slowly forming."

Ladies, if you are like me,  then you aren't engaged and your reject pile could literally make up a football team, maybe its time to try something different. What do ya say????? Are you ready to open a Husband School?

The Evolution of Clair Huxtable into Being Mary Jane

The Evolution of Clair Huxtable into Being Mary Jane

From Wholesome to Heauxsome

While Olivia Pope and Being Mary Jane may attempt to render a more "honest" or "realistic" portrayal of the life of a successful black woman, they also paint them as emotionally unbalanced, power-hungry, insecure, and morally-weak little girls with no families of their own, draped well in Chanel, sitting behind the wheel of a Porsche PanAm. Juxtapose that woman with the leading lady from 10, 20 and 30 years ago and you will begin to see the devolution or the #unraveling of the black female role model. 

There was Old and New Aunt Vivian, Claire Huxtable, Mrs. Harriet Winslow, De from "Moesha", Jackie from "In The House" (with LL Cool J), Vanessa  from "Hanging With Mr. Cooper", Lisa (Tia and Tamera's mom)... I won't even go as far back as Louise Jefferson, Florida Evans, Aunt Ester on "Sanford and Son", Mary from "227" and Eloise Curtis from "That's My Mama." These women provided for, reared, corrected, chastised, encouraged, uplifted and loved their families.

But now? Now we have "Be-his-video-heaux-once" who wears a g-string with her backside to a camera every chance she gets, Black China, Kim K, Amber Rose, Nene Leakes, and the Basketball Wives as the only tv role models of wives to many young woman. So there is no nurturing of the family, rearing of children, sharing of wisdom, teaching of our rich black history or imbuing of strong values... Just fighting, gossiping and blowing someone's money on red-bottoms made by a designer whose last name they can't pronounce, and conveying the message to young girls, "hey, you can get ass shots and sleep with ballers and if you're lucky, one might marry you... Just like I did"... TV now only shows us pervasive side-piece-ness with misery and loneliness  or amoral Heauxs-turned housewives... We've gone from Wholesome to Heauxsome.  I blame #Viacom.

When Working With Black Women Goes Wrong (BHM Edition)

Guess what month it is????? Black History Month! A time to recall the greatness, the accomplishments, the progress-makers and the pioneers who have made great strides on behalf of our race. And yet, in the midst of the "yes we can", "we shall overcome", I'm plagued by memories of a few black women who've had a significant impact on my life recently. I wonder if but for these women and others like them, we'd be further ahead as a people. Who are these women you ask? Their name or face makes no difference as they are surely interchangeable throughout time. But the content of their character stems from a place of bitterness, insecurity and jealousy. These women are the epitome of "crabs-in-a barrel" in all of their crustaceous glory. Their sheer pleasure is the tearing down of other black women with their tongue. They revel in gossip, scandal and rumors. They are the living, breathing destructors of their own kind.

When one turns on the television, images of destructive black women crowd the screen, save Iyanla, Oprah, Michelle O, "Black Girls Rock" and a few others. There are only a handful of places where you can regularly tune in and see black women lifting up one another.

Recently, Gabrielle Union stood before an audience of Hollywood's elite at the 2013 Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon and confessed that she had been a "mean girl" to her fellow black actresses. Gabrielle shared that she bought into the fiercely competitive nature of Hollywood, even more so between black actresses. She recounted how she had become a ringleader of the mudslinging and stocking ripping, reveling in the failures and downfalls of her sisters. Overwhelmingly, black women have been sold a lie of the "few opportunities" for them to advance their careers as actresses. Thus, the competition amongst them is multiplied and magnified. This story replicates itself all over the world, on Wall Street, on Capitol Hill, in the lofty elite clubs of corporate America. Black women are miseducated to believe that the spaces for their kind are limited, so like children playing musical chairs, they clamor, fight, and trip one another, for these few golden opportunities.

The truth is, there is no shortage of opportunities for black women, black men or anyone else. We can have whatever we can create. We were created in the image of a creator, so that makes us creators. God is abundance and in Him there is no lack or shortage. But when we allow our minds to operate in the realm of competition, of limitations, of lack, we are thrust into a zero-sum game against others who have the same goals; work becomes a real live version of the Hunger Games. One of the best philosophers to describe this match was Thucydides who declared, "the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must." Black women rarely go after their equals--other black women in power-- they usually set their sights on a much smaller prey. Often times the younger woman is caught of guard and unprepared for the unfair fight.

One might expect that this sort of competition is directed at those who are perceived to be on the same planes, women in the same category, managment level, tax bracket, and status. But the truth is, the shade, the competition and the destruction usually comes from older black women who use their tongue to lash out against younger black women whom they see as threats. After all, insecurity has no age limit, no rhyme or reason. Further, it may be difficult for these Crusty Crabs to watch someone who they feel has not "paid their dues", set to receive the promotion, attention, elevation or accolades, that they feels were rightly due to them. 

So they hate. As Gabby confessed to doing, and as many others have silently done they spew vitriol at other black women climbing the ladder behind them. With all the shade of Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada, when her faithful Nigel was set to receive promotion... (Miranda Priestly pulled the rug from underneath him in underhanded, back-room whispered negotiations)... these black-hearted women throw stones and hide their hands. Destructing others make these bitter broads cheer with glee. Their faces smile at their plundering ploys, but underneath, the misery does not dissipate nor wane. Just as life coach, A.J. Johnson, asked Gabrielle after her admitted hour-long tirade of tearing down another Hollywood actress, "what has been gained?" 

Does tearing down the career, accomplishments, successes, progress, of another black woman make you more beautiful? Does it make your body less overweight? Does it make your muffin top less protrusive? Does it make your breast less saggy? Does it remove the bags under your eyes or the wrinkles and crow lines from your face? Does it make you suddenly more attractive to men who'd long ago lost their interest in you? Does it make you a millionaire and not just a paid government staffer? Does it make you more charming and your smile more magnetic? Does it remove your cankles so that your legs look less like shrubbery? Does it make your skin smoother and taut, teeth straighter, lips more sensuous, breast more perky, hips less box-shaped, and stomach flatter??? All to which heaven responds with a resounding NO. Unfortunately, the misery these wretches attempt to wrought will only serve as a stepping stone for the woman they've attacked to have more success, more happiness, make more money, and receive more blessings. 

Why?  As it was written, "I will make thy enemies thy footstool."

Maybe the great lesson of Black History Month is this, when you want to know why a man or woman has been successful, you only need to look at who their enemies are. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s enemies were a country full of hate-mongers that catapulted him into the cannons of history books of the future forever. In simple, it is a measure of the footstools that we step over who will define our own greatness. If that's the case, cheers to my footstools.

Signed,

Blessed

The Price of Dating a Successful Black Man

While we all may struggle with the issues of dating a successful man, I think this topic is illustrated so well by the recent drama of my friend Gabrielle Union and D. Wade. So while my letter may address her directly, its a chance for us all to reflect on the BS that we've accepted from men much less successful.

Dear Gabby, 

Right now you've got opinions flying at you from all directions... For the most part, they're coming from a bunch of jealous, empty broads who would trade their left titty to be you any day of the week. And while they are having a field day laughing at your pain, their lights are about to get cut off (in the duplex they share with their mama and four kids)....bottom line, these broads and their thoughts are irrelevant... 

But all of us black women aren't like them, Gabby. Some of us have been quietly cheering you on, for years... Praying for the beautiful black girl that you are to win. Like the Obama effect, if you could be the happy wife of a successful black man, maybe one day, so could we...  But if this is your definition of winning, we need to evaluate what the prize truly is. If its handsome family that only looks great on Christmas cards, a gaudy, "Vanessa Bryant" ring, and a big, beautiful home, filled with lies and deceit, I ask that you reconsider. 

I remember when we met during the summer of 2007 in Vegas, we had this exact same conversation ... about how black men, particularly black successful/celebrity men, treated black women. Even then, when I was barely 21 years old I had accused them of treason against the black women. But you came to their defense... (You even stood up for TMac...) Fast forward, seven years later and you're still standing up for the succesful black male celebrity/athlete. Are we so happy to see him with a "sista" and not a "Becky", that we'll give him a "get out of jail" free pass for all of his egregious behavior???

Honestly Gabby, Wade's blatant disrespect for you isn't what hurts and shocks us at all. What has your sincere supporters sick to our stomachs is, your tolerance for it... We all know for fact, that if after you returned from your "break" with Wade, you came back 9 months pregnant by a man who wasn't even alive anymore, Wade would NOT have wife'd you. He'd have swiftly kicked you to the curb, if the Adidas was on the other foot.

Why would you tolerate such a blatant slap in the face of disrespect... Do you believe Wade is the best you can do? If this is as good as it gets, then by all means stay. If at 41 years old you can't get another attractive, successful  man without resorting to the ways of Ms. Lozada, then fine. If there is an unknown benefit you get from this union (a la, millions in a well brokered business deal ... think Hillary Clinton 15 years ago), then I'll have an American Airlines arena of seats... But unlike many of the bums sitting home laughing at you, you have it going on. You are successful in your own right. So again, why stay?

Many have suggested that it would be foolish to leave such a wealthy, successful man, only to settle for someone who makes less money, has less celebrity and who in a matter of time will cheat too.. I'm not suggesting you take any old Reggie* (regular dudes making $100,000 a year)  I get it.. Jay-Z was right, when you've had filet mignon, it is hard to go back to hamburger helper ... But surely there is someone else who isn't blatantly disrespectful, and willing to add insult to injury by letting his EXTRMELY out-of-pocket side-chick talk trash to you in public forums! It's like Wade doesn't even give a damn.

And you can't be mad at the nameless side chick. It's not her that is deserving of reprimand. She is only doing what Wade allowed her to do, with the platform he to gave her. If he had respect for you, he still might cheat, but he would have been way more careful. He certainly would not let his jumps* enter the house and sleep in the bed you two shared. The mere fact that the pictures were there for him to hide meant that it wasn't over between you. Your stuff was still in the bedroom! He took action without regard for how it might impact his future dealings with you. Was he just being young and reckless? Nah!...Wade treated you inconsequential, because he knew he could.  In fact, every letter, tweet, email and text from his side-chick is actually signed "Wade". He gave her the ammunition to write every statement she's making.

You deserve better doll. I don't know what that looks like, but find it. Maybe call Janet and see if she knows any more sheiks with oil money... Mellody Hobson just conceived with George "Star Wars 1 through 45" Lucas! Surely she can provide some insight on dating men of quality. But this here, is for the birds. Is this as good as it gets for you, and other successful black women in 2014??? No my love, it isn't. Why are you paying the high price of utter public humiliation, to be with this multi-millionaire athlete who feels you can be bought and sold for $1 Million. That might be a high number to some, but it shouldn't be for you. You are deserving of love, honor and respect. Right now you are getting none of the above. 

I remember when you and I met... You were mad cool. I told you I was in law school, and you invited me to I attend a party to meet a well known and very successful actor/writer/philanthropist. When I met him, he invited me back to a hotel room with his girl at the time.. I was insulted... I wasn't hardly going to be anyone's second fiddle or jump ... Even at 21, I knew I deserved more.... But why don't you know that now? I want you to not need the validation of marriage to be happy. I understand being in the public eye can be a shark tank, but what you're being offered is a very shitty deal, and I want you and the rest of black women to get more than a BS, cover relationship with a gaudy ring in 2014. I want us to give and receive love fully. It is going to take all the courage you have, but please don't let this man piss on your head and tell you its raining.

Peace and blessings,

LegallyChocolate

Guacamole, Please

Dear Black America,

It is with deep regret and a heavy heart .... I mean, complete and utter profound sadness, that today I am the bearer of bad news. Sorry to break it to you, but you are no longer a factor anymore, the future of America has moved on without you. The country’s agenda has blazed into the sunset of immigration reform, leaving you in the dust and tumbleweed of your sordid history. The immigration debate has moved to the forefront.
The foreign-born have replaced you in the workforce and their political might has pulled the chair from under you. You are not at the table, in the words of Langston Hughes, you have been told to go to the kitchen when company comes... Guacamole, anyone???

America has opened its arms wide to the Mexican and Central American (low skilled) Indian and Asiatic (high skilled) foreign-born. The number of immigrants from these countries have doubled twice since 2000. And while you may say that immigration is an important topic and healthy for the U.S. and its workforce, where does that leave African-Americans when the government is sorting out its national priorities? Is anyone interested in uplifting the country’s darkest brother? The President has set his agenda for the next four years and didn’t mention much, if anything about things that are important to you specifically. Even the most self-absorbed of your “black leaders” say that he’s not interested in the plight of Black America. What about Congress? Well, every Congressional term has sets an agenda, and right now it is gun control and immigration. Maybe the next President and Congress will look into disparities of sentencing laws, health care, unemployment and education during their Congressional terms... Black America, How does 2019 work for you? Let me check the Congressional Schedule, I think we may be able to pencil you in...

The fact that African American unemployment is significantly higher than the national rate is not up for discussion. Why? Everyone else has a job. Companies that need workers aren’t even considering Rasheed, Little RayRay, fresh from college, sitting around filling out applications online. American companies are looking for the government to release more H-1B visas so they can hire Jung, Deepak and Lee. Right now, Congressional committees are going back and forth, and back again, over whether or not there should be a Path to Citizenship for all foreign-born workers and whether skilled laborers should be allowed to bring their nuclear families into the US with them. Why? Because they are not willing to invest another second or another dime into the people who are already American citizens by way of their ancestors blood, sweat or tears. The have turned the light on of the Statute of Liberty, the sign below reads, “Give us your tired and poor.” But, what, do you ask, is America going to do with the tired and the poor that it already has? Let’s not discuss that right now, we have more pressing concerns. Guacamole, anyone?

Black America, you may now get to the back of the line because your country is tired of all your complaining, guilt trips, and whining about your unfair, unshared plight. They don’t care to be bothered. America has upgraded, and you are the old chick, trying to get back relevant.

Everyone’s voice at America’s Debate table is louder than yours and the difference is, they were invited. Their issues are being addressed and their demands are being heard and met. Immigration reform bills are bolting through the committees of Congress. Even LGBT rights are being acknowledged and addressed... But Black America, where are your issues? Why have they sent you to the kitchen when company comes?

Should you get out and march on Washington about the lack of job opportunities, discrimination in hiring, higher unemployment, lower graduation, disparate sentencing, unchecked crime in your neighborhoods and the man holding you back? Well, you might be right about all of the above, but I wouldn’t recommend it. You can make Justice Thurgood Marshall’s argument that its not fair when a race is run and people are started 400 years behind their competition and told to catch up...but the new kids beating down the block don’t even have zapatos and they are running in sandals yelling “Andelé, Andelé.” No wonder your phone calls are being ignored by America. You have become about as desirable as the needy ex-girlfriend.

Besides, what does anyone have to gain by helping Black America get a leg up these days? There are no electoral reasons. They know how you are going to vote. And sure, there are glaring social issues, but none of those are necessary help politicians win elections or raise campaign funds.

Dear Black America, it really hurts me to say this, but you just aren’t all that relevant.


Sincerely,


America the Beautiful