The Taming of the Ebony Shrew

The media portrays a monstrosity of a caricature of "the black women"
and how she relates to men. Mouthy. Bossy. She "wears the pants,” she's
condescending, she's demeaning and she's emasculating to her man.
There are hundreds of movie scenes and television shows where black
women are threatening, "don't make me go off,” are seen "telling a man
about himself" or "putting him in his place." She can tell her man how
she's "fed up with his bullshit", how she doesn't have to tolerate it, and
can replace him within the hour, a la Beyonce (to the left, to the left). Yes,
Pop culture KNOWS the strength of the black woman. She is a force to be
reckoned with and met with fear and trepidation. Long gone are the daily
images of Clair Huxtable, nurturing her man with a homemade dinner,
and caring for their 7 or so children. Please don't "get her twisted". the
Black women that we come into contact with on a daily basis in music,
television (BET, VH1, MTV, BRAVO) is a "B#*$!, NOT to be "f!@%d with".
But this is only entertainment, right????

Well, sometimes, art imitates life. We've all seen examples of a neckrolling,
finger-pointing pint-sized powerhouse thats as terrifying as a
dog at the edge of Bull O'connor's leash in the 1960. She's armed, and
dangerous with a soul-splitting 12-gauge tongue, and she know's how to
use it like a cat o'nine nails in Roots. In fact many of us with urban
upbringings can recall a woman somewhere in our life (mother, aunt,
grandmother who was a loose-cannon, ready to unload her verbal
(body-)heat activated missiles into a man for his shortcomings,
wandering eyes, insufficient income or social habits. And to keep it more
real, some of us don't have travel further than the bathroom mirror to
find the Shrew on-duty. What did I call you??? A shrew... No, not the
rodent-like mammal, (although some of my male counterparts might
choose to disagree), a shrew meaning a women of violent temper and
speech.

Wait, you say! Why is there a name for women with violent tempers and
speech, but not for men you ask. Well, to be curt, this is simply the
society that we live in, (I didn't create the rules, and infrequently do I play
by them). But whether you look at it from an archeological (the physical
differences of men and women) or biblical perspective (the fact that man
was created from the earth and that woman, meaning "with man", was
created from a man's rib). Whatever your pleasure, there may just be a
difference in the role for the smaller, weaker and reproducing sex, based
upon her physical vulnerabilities. Does this difference mean that women
should be categorically prohibited from expressing their disdain, their
pain, their emotions, their concerns, their insecurities, their fear and their
anger? Of course not. But a shrew is not a shrew merely because she is a
woman, subject to feminine feelings, but because she chooses to display
them in a coarse, uncouth and un-feminine manner (think a 25 year-old
Madea).

Why even our beloved FLOTUS, First Lady Michelle Obama, was in dire
need of a Public Relations makeover after having stated her opinions too
strongly for some American viewers during the 2008 presidential election
campaign. Prior to that time, the country had never before seen a reallife,
beautiuful, highly-intelligent, opinionated, strong, black woman who
was an equal in her marriage. The press began to rave with stories of
Michelle "wearing the pants", calling her a "bulldog", and parading her as
a Shrew that had Barack dangling from her mercies. The issue wasn't that
Michelle, like all women, had an opinion, it was how strong and unfeminine
like she appeared to the national audience who didn't have an
urban upbringing at the hand of an assertive black woman.

But how else is a woman supposed to get her point across, you ask? Now
we have entered a stage that I've deemed the "Taming of the Shrew." (May
I quickly interject, before my critics crowd surround my blog with
pitchforks, nooses, and gallows, that I am not here to point the finger at
black women for the plight of black marriages, or the mediasensationalized
story touting Black Women as the most ummarriagable
woman in the nation. I haven't looked into the statistics of black women
being married, versus other races in America. Nor have I studied the
number of unmarried black women in relation to the number of
unmarried black men. Nor have I studied the decline on the black
marriage since blacks were deemed human in America, and allowed to
marry. Why? Because on a day to day basis, the statistics don't come into
play. Every woman has a different experience based upon a multitude of
factors. Some of those factors being her choice of location, education,
economic background and other preferences. My purpose, is to merely
speak on a hyper-publicized image of the Black Shrew in Media and my
community.)

NOW back to the Taming. Early one morning, I spoke with a friend born in
South America on the phone, and lamented to her all the things my guy
had done to rub me the wrong way in our 5 year long, on-again-off-again
Great America roller-coaster relationship. When she inquired about
how I'd handled the situations, I recounted to her story after story of me
"going off." Her advice included 3 simple rules. Its such great advice that
it would be a crime against humanity not to share it with my kindred
ebony shrews... so I'll share them with you, but I must warn that they are
eerily simply, but not as easy to practice. However, a woman who masters
these lessons will be a most dangerous creature.

Rule #1 being "Never speak from your emotions" If you are angry with
your guy because Natasha called his phone at 2 A.M. or because he didn't
invite you to his aunt Ethel's 70th birthday party, don't unleash your hurt,
insecurity, disappointment or anger on him round by round like Rambo.
Simply say, "babe, I'll talk to you later." Don't allow the sea of emotion
welling inside of you like Hurricane Katrina flood your emotional levees!
HOLD THE DAM!!!! Oftentimes, what you are feeling is SO strong, and SO
sudden that you haven't actually processed it and evaluated it in the
greater scheme of things, with context, facts and most important, your
long-term goal of being with this person. The only thing you have are
your thoughts, and your fears, or F.E.A.R. (False expectations appearing
real), and unlike intuition, fear is rarely reliable. If love and war have
anything in common, it is this, the both require great strategy. Falling in
love is easy, but staying in in requires know-how. Thus the Art of War,
very well may double as the Art of Love. The great strategist Sun Tzu, in
his manual for going to war, the Art of War, stated,
■ " Create conditions that your enemy cannot overcome." "Wait for the
right opportunity before you begin the battle, so that you can put
your opponent at the biggest disadvantage possible."
■ "You are the one who decides whether the battle is worth fighting. If
you are not certain, of victory, don't fight."
■ "Victory is ultimately created by your opponent. He will do certain
things that guarantee his defeat and your victory. Take advantage
of them."
Simply put, talk, when you know exactly what you want to say, say it
when it will be received well, if its not worth saying, don't say it, and it is
not necessary to beat your guy over the head with your words, he will
provide the receptivity to your words, once he's become sensitive to your
needs.

Rule # 2 Try not to discuss problems during bad times. Generally a Shrew
takes advantage of when things are getting heated, to bring up another
15 or so things that they aren't happy about "...and ANOTHER thing.. I
hate when you... You always... Why can't you ...." But even the Book of
Proverbs states that, "a soft answer turneth away wrath", and, the old
folks used to say, "you get more bees with honey than vinegar."
Essentially, they both mean that its best to wait until your boiling, raging
waters, have simmered down to a cool glass of sugar honey iced tea. In
fact, if there is tension in the air, clear it by going out of your way to do
something nice. Make his favorite meal, (like chicken wings and tater tots
and a side of football), after dinner, cuddle up. Then during a
commercial, simply say, "by the way babe, the other day, when you didn't
take me to aunt Ethel's birthday party (or the concert with your friends, or
the holiday party for your job), I felt crummy". This signals to any guy
who actually cares about you that 1) you are vulnerable to him 2)he hurt
you 3) you are disappointed in his behavior 4) you love him enough to
still nurture him even when messes up. Any real man will tell you, that a
guy who cares about you, will bend over backwards to make it up to you
and never disappoint you again. Now if he doesn't care about you, or
your stinkin' crummy feelings, then he just doesn't like you, and I'll
address that in my next article ... but assuming he does, your words will
move him, much more than yelling, screaming, cursing or "checking". No
need to blast Beyonce "Irreplaceable" from your iPod dock, you won't have
to tell him how easily you can replace him, he'll know it.

Rule #3 Understand his needs, anticipate them and treat him like a king.
(People who know me personally may think that I have had a brain
transplant or been brainwashed by an evil male-worshiping cult. But I
haven't). What's madness, is for a woman to desire a king, and then to
treat him like a court jester. If you have a true king, in your presence, you
must be aware of his identity, and remind him that you are aware of his
identity so that he feels awkward, walking outside of that identity. (Think,
Pavlov's positive behavior reinforcement) I hate to use this example in the
same breath as the last but, if you pat a dog and hug him and feed him
every time he brings you your slippers when you walk in the door, guess
what the dog is going to do every time you walk in the door? He's going
to come running with your slippers. Why because he lives for your love,
your soft words, your hugs, your bellyrubs. No different is a king to his
queen. He lives for her love, and will be more kingly, the more she
reinforces how much of a king he is to her. If the king requires time to
consort with his roundtable (hang out with his friends), his queen kisses
him passionately before he goes, calls for his carriage and wishes him a
safe return to her arms). Few hours will go by before a wise king realizes
he has to much of a good thing waiting at home to be out and about and
cut the evening short. A wise queen anticipates that after a long business
trip her king is famished, and exhausted, in need of visual pleasantries
(usually involving patent-leather high heels and something lace, mesh or
vinyl (depending on what you are into), a warm meal, and a quiet,
peaceful evening. Its at this time that a wise queen begins to impregnate
her king's mind with all of her desires and request. Why? Because he has
been satisfied and wants to please her in return. But a Shrew isn't a
queen, she's very confused about how to go about getting what she
wants in a relationship. She uses the sound of her voice to antagonize,
instill fear, belittle, berate, and bring down her man, until she no longer
has one (think Jennifer on Basketball Wives).

Oprah's Lifeclass teaches that “You should not be judged for the person
that you were, but for the person that you are trying to be now.” She goes
further to say that although many mistakes have been made, “when you
know better you do better.” Therefore, Ebony Shrews REJOICE!!! You don’t
have to hold yourself hostage for who you used to be or anything you
ever used to do. You can be tamed TODAY!

"So subtle, so subtle, thus you are formless. So mysterious, so
mysterious, thus you are soundless, thus you hold your enemy's [lover's]
fate in your hand." Sun Tzu, The Art of War