Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
From Wholesome to Heauxsome
While Olivia Pope and Being Mary Jane may attempt to render a more "honest" or "realistic" portrayal of the life of a successful black woman, they also paint them as emotionally unbalanced, power-hungry, insecure, and morally-weak little girls with no families of their own, draped well in Chanel, sitting behind the wheel of a Porsche PanAm. Juxtapose that woman with the leading lady from 10, 20 and 30 years ago and you will begin to see the devolution or the #unraveling of the black female role model.
There was Old and New Aunt Vivian, Claire Huxtable, Mrs. Harriet Winslow, De from "Moesha", Jackie from "In The House" (with LL Cool J), Vanessa from "Hanging With Mr. Cooper", Lisa (Tia and Tamera's mom)... I won't even go as far back as Louise Jefferson, Florida Evans, Aunt Ester on "Sanford and Son", Mary from "227" and Eloise Curtis from "That's My Mama." These women provided for, reared, corrected, chastised, encouraged, uplifted and loved their families.
But now? Now we have "Be-his-video-heaux-once" who wears a g-string with her backside to a camera every chance she gets, Black China, Kim K, Amber Rose, Nene Leakes, and the Basketball Wives as the only tv role models of wives to many young woman. So there is no nurturing of the family, rearing of children, sharing of wisdom, teaching of our rich black history or imbuing of strong values... Just fighting, gossiping and blowing someone's money on red-bottoms made by a designer whose last name they can't pronounce, and conveying the message to young girls, "hey, you can get ass shots and sleep with ballers and if you're lucky, one might marry you... Just like I did"... TV now only shows us pervasive side-piece-ness with misery and loneliness or amoral Heauxs-turned housewives... We've gone from Wholesome to Heauxsome. I blame #Viacom.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
When Working With Black Women Goes Wrong (BHM Edition)
Guess what month it is????? Black History Month! A time to recall the greatness, the accomplishments, the progress-makers and the pioneers who have made great strides on behalf of our race. And yet, in the midst of the "yes we can", "we shall overcome", I'm plagued by memories of a few black women who've had a significant impact on my life recently. I wonder if but for these women and others like them, we'd be further ahead as a people. Who are these women you ask? Their name or face makes no difference as they are surely interchangeable throughout time. But the content of their character stems from a place of bitterness, insecurity and jealousy. These women are the epitome of "crabs-in-a barrel" in all of their crustaceous glory. Their sheer pleasure is the tearing down of other black women with their tongue. They revel in gossip, scandal and rumors. They are the living, breathing destructors of their own kind.
When one turns on the television, images of destructive black women crowd the screen, save Iyanla, Oprah, Michelle O, "Black Girls Rock" and a few others. There are only a handful of places where you can regularly tune in and see black women lifting up one another.
Recently, Gabrielle Union stood before an audience of Hollywood's elite at the 2013 Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon and confessed that she had been a "mean girl" to her fellow black actresses. Gabrielle shared that she bought into the fiercely competitive nature of Hollywood, even more so between black actresses. She recounted how she had become a ringleader of the mudslinging and stocking ripping, reveling in the failures and downfalls of her sisters. Overwhelmingly, black women have been sold a lie of the "few opportunities" for them to advance their careers as actresses. Thus, the competition amongst them is multiplied and magnified. This story replicates itself all over the world, on Wall Street, on Capitol Hill, in the lofty elite clubs of corporate America. Black women are miseducated to believe that the spaces for their kind are limited, so like children playing musical chairs, they clamor, fight, and trip one another, for these few golden opportunities.
The truth is, there is no shortage of opportunities for black women, black men or anyone else. We can have whatever we can create. We were created in the image of a creator, so that makes us creators. God is abundance and in Him there is no lack or shortage. But when we allow our minds to operate in the realm of competition, of limitations, of lack, we are thrust into a zero-sum game against others who have the same goals; work becomes a real live version of the Hunger Games. One of the best philosophers to describe this match was Thucydides who declared, "the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must." Black women rarely go after their equals--other black women in power-- they usually set their sights on a much smaller prey. Often times the younger woman is caught of guard and unprepared for the unfair fight.
One might expect that this sort of competition is directed at those who are perceived to be on the same planes, women in the same category, managment level, tax bracket, and status. But the truth is, the shade, the competition and the destruction usually comes from older black women who use their tongue to lash out against younger black women whom they see as threats. After all, insecurity has no age limit, no rhyme or reason. Further, it may be difficult for these Crusty Crabs to watch someone who they feel has not "paid their dues", set to receive the promotion, attention, elevation or accolades, that they feels were rightly due to them.
So they hate. As Gabby confessed to doing, and as many others have silently done they spew vitriol at other black women climbing the ladder behind them. With all the shade of Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada, when her faithful Nigel was set to receive promotion... (Miranda Priestly pulled the rug from underneath him in underhanded, back-room whispered negotiations)... these black-hearted women throw stones and hide their hands. Destructing others make these bitter broads cheer with glee. Their faces smile at their plundering ploys, but underneath, the misery does not dissipate nor wane. Just as life coach, A.J. Johnson, asked Gabrielle after her admitted hour-long tirade of tearing down another Hollywood actress, "what has been gained?"
Does tearing down the career, accomplishments, successes, progress, of another black woman make you more beautiful? Does it make your body less overweight? Does it make your muffin top less protrusive? Does it make your breast less saggy? Does it remove the bags under your eyes or the wrinkles and crow lines from your face? Does it make you suddenly more attractive to men who'd long ago lost their interest in you? Does it make you a millionaire and not just a paid government staffer? Does it make you more charming and your smile more magnetic? Does it remove your cankles so that your legs look less like shrubbery? Does it make your skin smoother and taut, teeth straighter, lips more sensuous, breast more perky, hips less box-shaped, and stomach flatter??? All to which heaven responds with a resounding NO. Unfortunately, the misery these wretches attempt to wrought will only serve as a stepping stone for the woman they've attacked to have more success, more happiness, make more money, and receive more blessings.
Why? As it was written, "I will make thy enemies thy footstool."
Maybe the great lesson of Black History Month is this, when you want to know why a man or woman has been successful, you only need to look at who their enemies are. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s enemies were a country full of hate-mongers that catapulted him into the cannons of history books of the future forever. In simple, it is a measure of the footstools that we step over who will define our own greatness. If that's the case, cheers to my footstools.
Signed,
Blessed
Saturday, January 4, 2014
The Price of Dating a Successful Black Man
While we all may struggle with the issues of dating a successful man, I think this topic is illustrated so well by the recent drama of my friend Gabrielle Union and D. Wade. So while my letter may address her directly, its a chance for us all to reflect on the BS that we've accepted from men much less successful.
Dear Gabby,
Right now you've got opinions flying at you from all directions... For the most part, they're coming from a bunch of jealous, empty broads who would trade their left titty to be you any day of the week. And while they are having a field day laughing at your pain, their lights are about to get cut off (in the duplex they share with their mama and four kids)....bottom line, these broads and their thoughts are irrelevant...
But all of us black women aren't like them, Gabby. Some of us have been quietly cheering you on, for years... Praying for the beautiful black girl that you are to win. Like the Obama effect, if you could be the happy wife of a successful black man, maybe one day, so could we... But if this is your definition of winning, we need to evaluate what the prize truly is. If its handsome family that only looks great on Christmas cards, a gaudy, "Vanessa Bryant" ring, and a big, beautiful home, filled with lies and deceit, I ask that you reconsider.
I remember when we met during the summer of 2007 in Vegas, we had this exact same conversation ... about how black men, particularly black successful/celebrity men, treated black women. Even then, when I was barely 21 years old I had accused them of treason against the black women. But you came to their defense... (You even stood up for TMac...) Fast forward, seven years later and you're still standing up for the succesful black male celebrity/athlete. Are we so happy to see him with a "sista" and not a "Becky", that we'll give him a "get out of jail" free pass for all of his egregious behavior???
Honestly Gabby, Wade's blatant disrespect for you isn't what hurts and shocks us at all. What has your sincere supporters sick to our stomachs is, your tolerance for it... We all know for fact, that if after you returned from your "break" with Wade, you came back 9 months pregnant by a man who wasn't even alive anymore, Wade would NOT have wife'd you. He'd have swiftly kicked you to the curb, if the Adidas was on the other foot.
Why would you tolerate such a blatant slap in the face of disrespect... Do you believe Wade is the best you can do? If this is as good as it gets, then by all means stay. If at 41 years old you can't get another attractive, successful man without resorting to the ways of Ms. Lozada, then fine. If there is an unknown benefit you get from this union (a la, millions in a well brokered business deal ... think Hillary Clinton 15 years ago), then I'll have an American Airlines arena of seats... But unlike many of the bums sitting home laughing at you, you have it going on. You are successful in your own right. So again, why stay?
Many have suggested that it would be foolish to leave such a wealthy, successful man, only to settle for someone who makes less money, has less celebrity and who in a matter of time will cheat too.. I'm not suggesting you take any old Reggie* (regular dudes making $100,000 a year) I get it.. Jay-Z was right, when you've had filet mignon, it is hard to go back to hamburger helper ... But surely there is someone else who isn't blatantly disrespectful, and willing to add insult to injury by letting his EXTRMELY out-of-pocket side-chick talk trash to you in public forums! It's like Wade doesn't even give a damn.
And you can't be mad at the nameless side chick. It's not her that is deserving of reprimand. She is only doing what Wade allowed her to do, with the platform he to gave her. If he had respect for you, he still might cheat, but he would have been way more careful. He certainly would not let his jumps* enter the house and sleep in the bed you two shared. The mere fact that the pictures were there for him to hide meant that it wasn't over between you. Your stuff was still in the bedroom! He took action without regard for how it might impact his future dealings with you. Was he just being young and reckless? Nah!...Wade treated you inconsequential, because he knew he could. In fact, every letter, tweet, email and text from his side-chick is actually signed "Wade". He gave her the ammunition to write every statement she's making.
You deserve better doll. I don't know what that looks like, but find it. Maybe call Janet and see if she knows any more sheiks with oil money... Mellody Hobson just conceived with George "Star Wars 1 through 45" Lucas! Surely she can provide some insight on dating men of quality. But this here, is for the birds. Is this as good as it gets for you, and other successful black women in 2014??? No my love, it isn't. Why are you paying the high price of utter public humiliation, to be with this multi-millionaire athlete who feels you can be bought and sold for $1 Million. That might be a high number to some, but it shouldn't be for you. You are deserving of love, honor and respect. Right now you are getting none of the above.
I remember when you and I met... You were mad cool. I told you I was in law school, and you invited me to I attend a party to meet a well known and very successful actor/writer/philanthropist. When I met him, he invited me back to a hotel room with his girl at the time.. I was insulted... I wasn't hardly going to be anyone's second fiddle or jump ... Even at 21, I knew I deserved more.... But why don't you know that now? I want you to not need the validation of marriage to be happy. I understand being in the public eye can be a shark tank, but what you're being offered is a very shitty deal, and I want you and the rest of black women to get more than a BS, cover relationship with a gaudy ring in 2014. I want us to give and receive love fully. It is going to take all the courage you have, but please don't let this man piss on your head and tell you its raining.
Peace and blessings,
LegallyChocolate
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Guacamole, Please
Dear Black America,
It is with deep regret and a heavy heart .... I mean, complete and utter profound sadness, that today I am the bearer of bad news. Sorry to break it to you, but you are no longer a factor anymore, the future of America has moved on without you. The country’s agenda has blazed into the sunset of immigration reform, leaving you in the dust and tumbleweed of your sordid history. The immigration debate has moved to the forefront.
The foreign-born have replaced you in the workforce and their political might has pulled the chair from under you. You are not at the table, in the words of Langston Hughes, you have been told to go to the kitchen when company comes... Guacamole, anyone???
America has opened its arms wide to the Mexican and Central American (low skilled) Indian and Asiatic (high skilled) foreign-born. The number of immigrants from these countries have doubled twice since 2000. And while you may say that immigration is an important topic and healthy for the U.S. and its workforce, where does that leave African-Americans when the government is sorting out its national priorities? Is anyone interested in uplifting the country’s darkest brother? The President has set his agenda for the next four years and didn’t mention much, if anything about things that are important to you specifically. Even the most self-absorbed of your “black leaders” say that he’s not interested in the plight of Black America. What about Congress? Well, every Congressional term has sets an agenda, and right now it is gun control and immigration. Maybe the next President and Congress will look into disparities of sentencing laws, health care, unemployment and education during their Congressional terms... Black America, How does 2019 work for you? Let me check the Congressional Schedule, I think we may be able to pencil you in...
The fact that African American unemployment is significantly higher than the national rate is not up for discussion. Why? Everyone else has a job. Companies that need workers aren’t even considering Rasheed, Little RayRay, fresh from college, sitting around filling out applications online. American companies are looking for the government to release more H-1B visas so they can hire Jung, Deepak and Lee. Right now, Congressional committees are going back and forth, and back again, over whether or not there should be a Path to Citizenship for all foreign-born workers and whether skilled laborers should be allowed to bring their nuclear families into the US with them. Why? Because they are not willing to invest another second or another dime into the people who are already American citizens by way of their ancestors blood, sweat or tears. The have turned the light on of the Statute of Liberty, the sign below reads, “Give us your tired and poor.” But, what, do you ask, is America going to do with the tired and the poor that it already has? Let’s not discuss that right now, we have more pressing concerns. Guacamole, anyone?
Black America, you may now get to the back of the line because your country is tired of all your complaining, guilt trips, and whining about your unfair, unshared plight. They don’t care to be bothered. America has upgraded, and you are the old chick, trying to get back relevant.
Everyone’s voice at America’s Debate table is louder than yours and the difference is, they were invited. Their issues are being addressed and their demands are being heard and met. Immigration reform bills are bolting through the committees of Congress. Even LGBT rights are being acknowledged and addressed... But Black America, where are your issues? Why have they sent you to the kitchen when company comes?
Should you get out and march on Washington about the lack of job opportunities, discrimination in hiring, higher unemployment, lower graduation, disparate sentencing, unchecked crime in your neighborhoods and the man holding you back? Well, you might be right about all of the above, but I wouldn’t recommend it. You can make Justice Thurgood Marshall’s argument that its not fair when a race is run and people are started 400 years behind their competition and told to catch up...but the new kids beating down the block don’t even have zapatos and they are running in sandals yelling “Andelé, Andelé.” No wonder your phone calls are being ignored by America. You have become about as desirable as the needy ex-girlfriend.
Besides, what does anyone have to gain by helping Black America get a leg up these days? There are no electoral reasons. They know how you are going to vote. And sure, there are glaring social issues, but none of those are necessary help politicians win elections or raise campaign funds.
Dear Black America, it really hurts me to say this, but you just aren’t all that relevant.
Sincerely,
America the Beautiful
It is with deep regret and a heavy heart .... I mean, complete and utter profound sadness, that today I am the bearer of bad news. Sorry to break it to you, but you are no longer a factor anymore, the future of America has moved on without you. The country’s agenda has blazed into the sunset of immigration reform, leaving you in the dust and tumbleweed of your sordid history. The immigration debate has moved to the forefront.
The foreign-born have replaced you in the workforce and their political might has pulled the chair from under you. You are not at the table, in the words of Langston Hughes, you have been told to go to the kitchen when company comes... Guacamole, anyone???
America has opened its arms wide to the Mexican and Central American (low skilled) Indian and Asiatic (high skilled) foreign-born. The number of immigrants from these countries have doubled twice since 2000. And while you may say that immigration is an important topic and healthy for the U.S. and its workforce, where does that leave African-Americans when the government is sorting out its national priorities? Is anyone interested in uplifting the country’s darkest brother? The President has set his agenda for the next four years and didn’t mention much, if anything about things that are important to you specifically. Even the most self-absorbed of your “black leaders” say that he’s not interested in the plight of Black America. What about Congress? Well, every Congressional term has sets an agenda, and right now it is gun control and immigration. Maybe the next President and Congress will look into disparities of sentencing laws, health care, unemployment and education during their Congressional terms... Black America, How does 2019 work for you? Let me check the Congressional Schedule, I think we may be able to pencil you in...
The fact that African American unemployment is significantly higher than the national rate is not up for discussion. Why? Everyone else has a job. Companies that need workers aren’t even considering Rasheed, Little RayRay, fresh from college, sitting around filling out applications online. American companies are looking for the government to release more H-1B visas so they can hire Jung, Deepak and Lee. Right now, Congressional committees are going back and forth, and back again, over whether or not there should be a Path to Citizenship for all foreign-born workers and whether skilled laborers should be allowed to bring their nuclear families into the US with them. Why? Because they are not willing to invest another second or another dime into the people who are already American citizens by way of their ancestors blood, sweat or tears. The have turned the light on of the Statute of Liberty, the sign below reads, “Give us your tired and poor.” But, what, do you ask, is America going to do with the tired and the poor that it already has? Let’s not discuss that right now, we have more pressing concerns. Guacamole, anyone?
Black America, you may now get to the back of the line because your country is tired of all your complaining, guilt trips, and whining about your unfair, unshared plight. They don’t care to be bothered. America has upgraded, and you are the old chick, trying to get back relevant.
Everyone’s voice at America’s Debate table is louder than yours and the difference is, they were invited. Their issues are being addressed and their demands are being heard and met. Immigration reform bills are bolting through the committees of Congress. Even LGBT rights are being acknowledged and addressed... But Black America, where are your issues? Why have they sent you to the kitchen when company comes?
Should you get out and march on Washington about the lack of job opportunities, discrimination in hiring, higher unemployment, lower graduation, disparate sentencing, unchecked crime in your neighborhoods and the man holding you back? Well, you might be right about all of the above, but I wouldn’t recommend it. You can make Justice Thurgood Marshall’s argument that its not fair when a race is run and people are started 400 years behind their competition and told to catch up...but the new kids beating down the block don’t even have zapatos and they are running in sandals yelling “Andelé, Andelé.” No wonder your phone calls are being ignored by America. You have become about as desirable as the needy ex-girlfriend.
Besides, what does anyone have to gain by helping Black America get a leg up these days? There are no electoral reasons. They know how you are going to vote. And sure, there are glaring social issues, but none of those are necessary help politicians win elections or raise campaign funds.
Dear Black America, it really hurts me to say this, but you just aren’t all that relevant.
Sincerely,
America the Beautiful
The Taming of the Ebony Shrew
The media portrays a monstrosity of a caricature of "the black women"
and how she relates to men. Mouthy. Bossy. She "wears the pants,” she's
condescending, she's demeaning and she's emasculating to her man.
There are hundreds of movie scenes and television shows where black
women are threatening, "don't make me go off,” are seen "telling a man
about himself" or "putting him in his place." She can tell her man how
she's "fed up with his bullshit", how she doesn't have to tolerate it, and
can replace him within the hour, a la Beyonce (to the left, to the left). Yes,
Pop culture KNOWS the strength of the black woman. She is a force to be
reckoned with and met with fear and trepidation. Long gone are the daily
images of Clair Huxtable, nurturing her man with a homemade dinner,
and caring for their 7 or so children. Please don't "get her twisted". the
Black women that we come into contact with on a daily basis in music,
television (BET, VH1, MTV, BRAVO) is a "B#*$!, NOT to be "f!@%d with".
But this is only entertainment, right????
Well, sometimes, art imitates life. We've all seen examples of a neckrolling,
finger-pointing pint-sized powerhouse thats as terrifying as a
dog at the edge of Bull O'connor's leash in the 1960. She's armed, and
dangerous with a soul-splitting 12-gauge tongue, and she know's how to
use it like a cat o'nine nails in Roots. In fact many of us with urban
upbringings can recall a woman somewhere in our life (mother, aunt,
grandmother who was a loose-cannon, ready to unload her verbal
(body-)heat activated missiles into a man for his shortcomings,
wandering eyes, insufficient income or social habits. And to keep it more
real, some of us don't have travel further than the bathroom mirror to
find the Shrew on-duty. What did I call you??? A shrew... No, not the
rodent-like mammal, (although some of my male counterparts might
choose to disagree), a shrew meaning a women of violent temper and
speech.
Wait, you say! Why is there a name for women with violent tempers and
speech, but not for men you ask. Well, to be curt, this is simply the
society that we live in, (I didn't create the rules, and infrequently do I play
by them). But whether you look at it from an archeological (the physical
differences of men and women) or biblical perspective (the fact that man
was created from the earth and that woman, meaning "with man", was
created from a man's rib). Whatever your pleasure, there may just be a
difference in the role for the smaller, weaker and reproducing sex, based
upon her physical vulnerabilities. Does this difference mean that women
should be categorically prohibited from expressing their disdain, their
pain, their emotions, their concerns, their insecurities, their fear and their
anger? Of course not. But a shrew is not a shrew merely because she is a
woman, subject to feminine feelings, but because she chooses to display
them in a coarse, uncouth and un-feminine manner (think a 25 year-old
Madea).
Why even our beloved FLOTUS, First Lady Michelle Obama, was in dire
need of a Public Relations makeover after having stated her opinions too
strongly for some American viewers during the 2008 presidential election
campaign. Prior to that time, the country had never before seen a reallife,
beautiuful, highly-intelligent, opinionated, strong, black woman who
was an equal in her marriage. The press began to rave with stories of
Michelle "wearing the pants", calling her a "bulldog", and parading her as
a Shrew that had Barack dangling from her mercies. The issue wasn't that
Michelle, like all women, had an opinion, it was how strong and unfeminine
like she appeared to the national audience who didn't have an
urban upbringing at the hand of an assertive black woman.
But how else is a woman supposed to get her point across, you ask? Now
we have entered a stage that I've deemed the "Taming of the Shrew." (May
I quickly interject, before my critics crowd surround my blog with
pitchforks, nooses, and gallows, that I am not here to point the finger at
black women for the plight of black marriages, or the mediasensationalized
story touting Black Women as the most ummarriagable
woman in the nation. I haven't looked into the statistics of black women
being married, versus other races in America. Nor have I studied the
number of unmarried black women in relation to the number of
unmarried black men. Nor have I studied the decline on the black
marriage since blacks were deemed human in America, and allowed to
marry. Why? Because on a day to day basis, the statistics don't come into
play. Every woman has a different experience based upon a multitude of
factors. Some of those factors being her choice of location, education,
economic background and other preferences. My purpose, is to merely
speak on a hyper-publicized image of the Black Shrew in Media and my
community.)
NOW back to the Taming. Early one morning, I spoke with a friend born in
South America on the phone, and lamented to her all the things my guy
had done to rub me the wrong way in our 5 year long, on-again-off-again
Great America roller-coaster relationship. When she inquired about
how I'd handled the situations, I recounted to her story after story of me
"going off." Her advice included 3 simple rules. Its such great advice that
it would be a crime against humanity not to share it with my kindred
ebony shrews... so I'll share them with you, but I must warn that they are
eerily simply, but not as easy to practice. However, a woman who masters
these lessons will be a most dangerous creature.
Rule #1 being "Never speak from your emotions" If you are angry with
your guy because Natasha called his phone at 2 A.M. or because he didn't
invite you to his aunt Ethel's 70th birthday party, don't unleash your hurt,
insecurity, disappointment or anger on him round by round like Rambo.
Simply say, "babe, I'll talk to you later." Don't allow the sea of emotion
welling inside of you like Hurricane Katrina flood your emotional levees!
HOLD THE DAM!!!! Oftentimes, what you are feeling is SO strong, and SO
sudden that you haven't actually processed it and evaluated it in the
greater scheme of things, with context, facts and most important, your
long-term goal of being with this person. The only thing you have are
your thoughts, and your fears, or F.E.A.R. (False expectations appearing
real), and unlike intuition, fear is rarely reliable. If love and war have
anything in common, it is this, the both require great strategy. Falling in
love is easy, but staying in in requires know-how. Thus the Art of War,
very well may double as the Art of Love. The great strategist Sun Tzu, in
his manual for going to war, the Art of War, stated,
■ " Create conditions that your enemy cannot overcome." "Wait for the
right opportunity before you begin the battle, so that you can put
your opponent at the biggest disadvantage possible."
■ "You are the one who decides whether the battle is worth fighting. If
you are not certain, of victory, don't fight."
■ "Victory is ultimately created by your opponent. He will do certain
things that guarantee his defeat and your victory. Take advantage
of them."
Simply put, talk, when you know exactly what you want to say, say it
when it will be received well, if its not worth saying, don't say it, and it is
not necessary to beat your guy over the head with your words, he will
provide the receptivity to your words, once he's become sensitive to your
needs.
Rule # 2 Try not to discuss problems during bad times. Generally a Shrew
takes advantage of when things are getting heated, to bring up another
15 or so things that they aren't happy about "...and ANOTHER thing.. I
hate when you... You always... Why can't you ...." But even the Book of
Proverbs states that, "a soft answer turneth away wrath", and, the old
folks used to say, "you get more bees with honey than vinegar."
Essentially, they both mean that its best to wait until your boiling, raging
waters, have simmered down to a cool glass of sugar honey iced tea. In
fact, if there is tension in the air, clear it by going out of your way to do
something nice. Make his favorite meal, (like chicken wings and tater tots
and a side of football), after dinner, cuddle up. Then during a
commercial, simply say, "by the way babe, the other day, when you didn't
take me to aunt Ethel's birthday party (or the concert with your friends, or
the holiday party for your job), I felt crummy". This signals to any guy
who actually cares about you that 1) you are vulnerable to him 2)he hurt
you 3) you are disappointed in his behavior 4) you love him enough to
still nurture him even when messes up. Any real man will tell you, that a
guy who cares about you, will bend over backwards to make it up to you
and never disappoint you again. Now if he doesn't care about you, or
your stinkin' crummy feelings, then he just doesn't like you, and I'll
address that in my next article ... but assuming he does, your words will
move him, much more than yelling, screaming, cursing or "checking". No
need to blast Beyonce "Irreplaceable" from your iPod dock, you won't have
to tell him how easily you can replace him, he'll know it.
Rule #3 Understand his needs, anticipate them and treat him like a king.
(People who know me personally may think that I have had a brain
transplant or been brainwashed by an evil male-worshiping cult. But I
haven't). What's madness, is for a woman to desire a king, and then to
treat him like a court jester. If you have a true king, in your presence, you
must be aware of his identity, and remind him that you are aware of his
identity so that he feels awkward, walking outside of that identity. (Think,
Pavlov's positive behavior reinforcement) I hate to use this example in the
same breath as the last but, if you pat a dog and hug him and feed him
every time he brings you your slippers when you walk in the door, guess
what the dog is going to do every time you walk in the door? He's going
to come running with your slippers. Why because he lives for your love,
your soft words, your hugs, your bellyrubs. No different is a king to his
queen. He lives for her love, and will be more kingly, the more she
reinforces how much of a king he is to her. If the king requires time to
consort with his roundtable (hang out with his friends), his queen kisses
him passionately before he goes, calls for his carriage and wishes him a
safe return to her arms). Few hours will go by before a wise king realizes
he has to much of a good thing waiting at home to be out and about and
cut the evening short. A wise queen anticipates that after a long business
trip her king is famished, and exhausted, in need of visual pleasantries
(usually involving patent-leather high heels and something lace, mesh or
vinyl (depending on what you are into), a warm meal, and a quiet,
peaceful evening. Its at this time that a wise queen begins to impregnate
her king's mind with all of her desires and request. Why? Because he has
been satisfied and wants to please her in return. But a Shrew isn't a
queen, she's very confused about how to go about getting what she
wants in a relationship. She uses the sound of her voice to antagonize,
instill fear, belittle, berate, and bring down her man, until she no longer
has one (think Jennifer on Basketball Wives).
Oprah's Lifeclass teaches that “You should not be judged for the person
that you were, but for the person that you are trying to be now.” She goes
further to say that although many mistakes have been made, “when you
know better you do better.” Therefore, Ebony Shrews REJOICE!!! You don’t
have to hold yourself hostage for who you used to be or anything you
ever used to do. You can be tamed TODAY!
"So subtle, so subtle, thus you are formless. So mysterious, so
mysterious, thus you are soundless, thus you hold your enemy's [lover's]
fate in your hand." Sun Tzu, The Art of War
and how she relates to men. Mouthy. Bossy. She "wears the pants,” she's
condescending, she's demeaning and she's emasculating to her man.
There are hundreds of movie scenes and television shows where black
women are threatening, "don't make me go off,” are seen "telling a man
about himself" or "putting him in his place." She can tell her man how
she's "fed up with his bullshit", how she doesn't have to tolerate it, and
can replace him within the hour, a la Beyonce (to the left, to the left). Yes,
Pop culture KNOWS the strength of the black woman. She is a force to be
reckoned with and met with fear and trepidation. Long gone are the daily
images of Clair Huxtable, nurturing her man with a homemade dinner,
and caring for their 7 or so children. Please don't "get her twisted". the
Black women that we come into contact with on a daily basis in music,
television (BET, VH1, MTV, BRAVO) is a "B#*$!, NOT to be "f!@%d with".
But this is only entertainment, right????
Well, sometimes, art imitates life. We've all seen examples of a neckrolling,
finger-pointing pint-sized powerhouse thats as terrifying as a
dog at the edge of Bull O'connor's leash in the 1960. She's armed, and
dangerous with a soul-splitting 12-gauge tongue, and she know's how to
use it like a cat o'nine nails in Roots. In fact many of us with urban
upbringings can recall a woman somewhere in our life (mother, aunt,
grandmother who was a loose-cannon, ready to unload her verbal
(body-)heat activated missiles into a man for his shortcomings,
wandering eyes, insufficient income or social habits. And to keep it more
real, some of us don't have travel further than the bathroom mirror to
find the Shrew on-duty. What did I call you??? A shrew... No, not the
rodent-like mammal, (although some of my male counterparts might
choose to disagree), a shrew meaning a women of violent temper and
speech.
Wait, you say! Why is there a name for women with violent tempers and
speech, but not for men you ask. Well, to be curt, this is simply the
society that we live in, (I didn't create the rules, and infrequently do I play
by them). But whether you look at it from an archeological (the physical
differences of men and women) or biblical perspective (the fact that man
was created from the earth and that woman, meaning "with man", was
created from a man's rib). Whatever your pleasure, there may just be a
difference in the role for the smaller, weaker and reproducing sex, based
upon her physical vulnerabilities. Does this difference mean that women
should be categorically prohibited from expressing their disdain, their
pain, their emotions, their concerns, their insecurities, their fear and their
anger? Of course not. But a shrew is not a shrew merely because she is a
woman, subject to feminine feelings, but because she chooses to display
them in a coarse, uncouth and un-feminine manner (think a 25 year-old
Madea).
Why even our beloved FLOTUS, First Lady Michelle Obama, was in dire
need of a Public Relations makeover after having stated her opinions too
strongly for some American viewers during the 2008 presidential election
campaign. Prior to that time, the country had never before seen a reallife,
beautiuful, highly-intelligent, opinionated, strong, black woman who
was an equal in her marriage. The press began to rave with stories of
Michelle "wearing the pants", calling her a "bulldog", and parading her as
a Shrew that had Barack dangling from her mercies. The issue wasn't that
Michelle, like all women, had an opinion, it was how strong and unfeminine
like she appeared to the national audience who didn't have an
urban upbringing at the hand of an assertive black woman.
But how else is a woman supposed to get her point across, you ask? Now
we have entered a stage that I've deemed the "Taming of the Shrew." (May
I quickly interject, before my critics crowd surround my blog with
pitchforks, nooses, and gallows, that I am not here to point the finger at
black women for the plight of black marriages, or the mediasensationalized
story touting Black Women as the most ummarriagable
woman in the nation. I haven't looked into the statistics of black women
being married, versus other races in America. Nor have I studied the
number of unmarried black women in relation to the number of
unmarried black men. Nor have I studied the decline on the black
marriage since blacks were deemed human in America, and allowed to
marry. Why? Because on a day to day basis, the statistics don't come into
play. Every woman has a different experience based upon a multitude of
factors. Some of those factors being her choice of location, education,
economic background and other preferences. My purpose, is to merely
speak on a hyper-publicized image of the Black Shrew in Media and my
community.)
NOW back to the Taming. Early one morning, I spoke with a friend born in
South America on the phone, and lamented to her all the things my guy
had done to rub me the wrong way in our 5 year long, on-again-off-again
Great America roller-coaster relationship. When she inquired about
how I'd handled the situations, I recounted to her story after story of me
"going off." Her advice included 3 simple rules. Its such great advice that
it would be a crime against humanity not to share it with my kindred
ebony shrews... so I'll share them with you, but I must warn that they are
eerily simply, but not as easy to practice. However, a woman who masters
these lessons will be a most dangerous creature.
Rule #1 being "Never speak from your emotions" If you are angry with
your guy because Natasha called his phone at 2 A.M. or because he didn't
invite you to his aunt Ethel's 70th birthday party, don't unleash your hurt,
insecurity, disappointment or anger on him round by round like Rambo.
Simply say, "babe, I'll talk to you later." Don't allow the sea of emotion
welling inside of you like Hurricane Katrina flood your emotional levees!
HOLD THE DAM!!!! Oftentimes, what you are feeling is SO strong, and SO
sudden that you haven't actually processed it and evaluated it in the
greater scheme of things, with context, facts and most important, your
long-term goal of being with this person. The only thing you have are
your thoughts, and your fears, or F.E.A.R. (False expectations appearing
real), and unlike intuition, fear is rarely reliable. If love and war have
anything in common, it is this, the both require great strategy. Falling in
love is easy, but staying in in requires know-how. Thus the Art of War,
very well may double as the Art of Love. The great strategist Sun Tzu, in
his manual for going to war, the Art of War, stated,
■ " Create conditions that your enemy cannot overcome." "Wait for the
right opportunity before you begin the battle, so that you can put
your opponent at the biggest disadvantage possible."
■ "You are the one who decides whether the battle is worth fighting. If
you are not certain, of victory, don't fight."
■ "Victory is ultimately created by your opponent. He will do certain
things that guarantee his defeat and your victory. Take advantage
of them."
Simply put, talk, when you know exactly what you want to say, say it
when it will be received well, if its not worth saying, don't say it, and it is
not necessary to beat your guy over the head with your words, he will
provide the receptivity to your words, once he's become sensitive to your
needs.
Rule # 2 Try not to discuss problems during bad times. Generally a Shrew
takes advantage of when things are getting heated, to bring up another
15 or so things that they aren't happy about "...and ANOTHER thing.. I
hate when you... You always... Why can't you ...." But even the Book of
Proverbs states that, "a soft answer turneth away wrath", and, the old
folks used to say, "you get more bees with honey than vinegar."
Essentially, they both mean that its best to wait until your boiling, raging
waters, have simmered down to a cool glass of sugar honey iced tea. In
fact, if there is tension in the air, clear it by going out of your way to do
something nice. Make his favorite meal, (like chicken wings and tater tots
and a side of football), after dinner, cuddle up. Then during a
commercial, simply say, "by the way babe, the other day, when you didn't
take me to aunt Ethel's birthday party (or the concert with your friends, or
the holiday party for your job), I felt crummy". This signals to any guy
who actually cares about you that 1) you are vulnerable to him 2)he hurt
you 3) you are disappointed in his behavior 4) you love him enough to
still nurture him even when messes up. Any real man will tell you, that a
guy who cares about you, will bend over backwards to make it up to you
and never disappoint you again. Now if he doesn't care about you, or
your stinkin' crummy feelings, then he just doesn't like you, and I'll
address that in my next article ... but assuming he does, your words will
move him, much more than yelling, screaming, cursing or "checking". No
need to blast Beyonce "Irreplaceable" from your iPod dock, you won't have
to tell him how easily you can replace him, he'll know it.
Rule #3 Understand his needs, anticipate them and treat him like a king.
(People who know me personally may think that I have had a brain
transplant or been brainwashed by an evil male-worshiping cult. But I
haven't). What's madness, is for a woman to desire a king, and then to
treat him like a court jester. If you have a true king, in your presence, you
must be aware of his identity, and remind him that you are aware of his
identity so that he feels awkward, walking outside of that identity. (Think,
Pavlov's positive behavior reinforcement) I hate to use this example in the
same breath as the last but, if you pat a dog and hug him and feed him
every time he brings you your slippers when you walk in the door, guess
what the dog is going to do every time you walk in the door? He's going
to come running with your slippers. Why because he lives for your love,
your soft words, your hugs, your bellyrubs. No different is a king to his
queen. He lives for her love, and will be more kingly, the more she
reinforces how much of a king he is to her. If the king requires time to
consort with his roundtable (hang out with his friends), his queen kisses
him passionately before he goes, calls for his carriage and wishes him a
safe return to her arms). Few hours will go by before a wise king realizes
he has to much of a good thing waiting at home to be out and about and
cut the evening short. A wise queen anticipates that after a long business
trip her king is famished, and exhausted, in need of visual pleasantries
(usually involving patent-leather high heels and something lace, mesh or
vinyl (depending on what you are into), a warm meal, and a quiet,
peaceful evening. Its at this time that a wise queen begins to impregnate
her king's mind with all of her desires and request. Why? Because he has
been satisfied and wants to please her in return. But a Shrew isn't a
queen, she's very confused about how to go about getting what she
wants in a relationship. She uses the sound of her voice to antagonize,
instill fear, belittle, berate, and bring down her man, until she no longer
has one (think Jennifer on Basketball Wives).
Oprah's Lifeclass teaches that “You should not be judged for the person
that you were, but for the person that you are trying to be now.” She goes
further to say that although many mistakes have been made, “when you
know better you do better.” Therefore, Ebony Shrews REJOICE!!! You don’t
have to hold yourself hostage for who you used to be or anything you
ever used to do. You can be tamed TODAY!
"So subtle, so subtle, thus you are formless. So mysterious, so
mysterious, thus you are soundless, thus you hold your enemy's [lover's]
fate in your hand." Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Sunday, March 3, 2013
12 Years A Slave... to Weave
Since the age of 16 I've been wearing a weave. I don't recall my first one, but I do remember why I wanted it. I wanted to feel pretty. For too long I had envied the girls on TV with hair down their backs and I loved the way guys stared at or played with their long wispy curls. I wanted to feel glamourous, and not like a plain book-nerd with a standard bob. When I got my first sew-in, I opted for black hair with burgundy streaks to show that I was not only beautiful, but stylish. The pack of hair only cost $30, but it made me feel like $1.2 million dollars.
As time went on, my spending maxed out at $500 for hair extensions. I had graduated from the corner beauty supply to hair directly imported from India or China. And thank goodness! Over time I'd grown a strong aversion to Beauty Supply Stores (BSS). BSS owners are they only people who come into America dirt poor, feed off the wealth of the black community like leeches, while being completely repulsed and offensive towards the community whose dollars make them very wealthy. The only business owners that treat every one of their paying customers like convicted thieves.
In addition to my aversion for the Chinese business empire, I hated the notion that I wasn't beautiful with what God gave me. Sure, I'm not a bad looking girl. But in the age of Beyonce and Kim K, could the world, and more important, COULD I find beauty in the tresses that God gave me???
From the time I was a girl, I'd been told I had "coarse" hair. As young as age 10, I would go to a salon for a chemical relaxer. The lesson I learned early was that I wasn't pretty 'as is'. I needed to do something 'with' my hair to make it 'presentable'. I should alter it with chemicals, or cover it up completely with weaves and wigs. But on its on it was short, coarse, brittle, damaged and not a source of pride.
As time went on, my spending maxed out at $500 for hair extensions. I had graduated from the corner beauty supply to hair directly imported from India or China. And thank goodness! Over time I'd grown a strong aversion to Beauty Supply Stores (BSS). BSS owners are they only people who come into America dirt poor, feed off the wealth of the black community like leeches, while being completely repulsed and offensive towards the community whose dollars make them very wealthy. The only business owners that treat every one of their paying customers like convicted thieves.
The Chinese hair companies are one of the few groups who can monopolizes the supply of the products that are sold (weaves, wigs and hair products) from the top of the distribution chain in China, so that non-Asians are completely forbidden from operating in their industry. A black person without an Asian business front isn't even allowed to order from the companies who make the wigs or weaves sold to their own people. The only two black owned beauty supplies that I've ever known of were forced out of business when the Chinese suppliers found out they were really black owned.
In addition to my aversion for the Chinese business empire, I hated the notion that I wasn't beautiful with what God gave me. Sure, I'm not a bad looking girl. But in the age of Beyonce and Kim K, could the world, and more important, COULD I find beauty in the tresses that God gave me???
From the time I was a girl, I'd been told I had "coarse" hair. As young as age 10, I would go to a salon for a chemical relaxer. The lesson I learned early was that I wasn't pretty 'as is'. I needed to do something 'with' my hair to make it 'presentable'. I should alter it with chemicals, or cover it up completely with weaves and wigs. But on its on it was short, coarse, brittle, damaged and not a source of pride.
And my hair was humidity-adverse. Women with straighten hair (via pressing comb or perm) are like the wicked witch of the West, in real life. "We are allergic to water, it makes us melt!!!!" What's a girl to do when she loves the feel of doing laps in a refreshing pool on a hot summer day? Everyone knows that swimming caps aren't really waterproof. I learned THIS lesson the hard way.
At the age of 13, I attended a church sleepover at the YMCA. I was given strict instruction by my mom not to get my hair wet because I had just come from the hair salon and had my hair straightened. I was comfortable obeying her instruction until my childhood crush got in the pool and was joined by girls with "good" wavy hair. I stood in the shallow end, seething all alone. I decided to find my courage. I must have been playing Jay-Z & Lenny Kravitz's "Storm" in my mind, because I clearly thought, "I can walk through water and not get wet.... I'm that FRESH!!!!" I jumped into the deep end with a press and curl and climbed out Little Florida Evans. I was so embarrassed, I called my mom to pick me up early and cried in the back seat all the way home.
Thankfully, my love for swimming didn't sink. But only with the help of a sew in, could a girl with kinky hair like me dive into the ocean and come out swinging long tendrils like Ariel in the little Mermaid, and not knots and coils balled up tighter than fists at a Black Panther Rally.
By the age of 24 I was tired of running. I was tired of buying someone else's hair. I was tired of buying into the false beauty standards. I begin to fight my acceptance of this self-hatred, I sought out help from a stylist in Chicago. Arik began showing me how to care for my own hair and nurture it with organic products from Biostrand and Aveda. But first he cut it all off. I was distraught. The only thing worst than having damaged "coarse" hair, was having NO HAIR AT ALL. I wore wigs for months on end.
By the age of 24 I was tired of running. I was tired of buying someone else's hair. I was tired of buying into the false beauty standards. I begin to fight my acceptance of this self-hatred, I sought out help from a stylist in Chicago. Arik began showing me how to care for my own hair and nurture it with organic products from Biostrand and Aveda. But first he cut it all off. I was distraught. The only thing worst than having damaged "coarse" hair, was having NO HAIR AT ALL. I wore wigs for months on end.
As my hair grew back, these products and more a nurturing regimen changed my hair from the coarse, damaged, brittle mess to a head full of beautiful little curls that were as soft, healthy, strong and spring as they were the day I was born. After all of this time, my hair had been abused at my own hands! The very hair I wanted -- long, strong, shiny and soft-- was waiting for me to claim it. It was waiting for me to stop covering it with tangly, matted, fake looking weaves. My crowning glory was waiting for me to learn how to moisturize it, treasure it, and retain its length.
During the last two years of my journey, I've decided not to use heat, combs, brushes, shampoo, products with cones, sulfates, mineral oil, parabens and alcohol. I've learned how to care for my tender curls from information that I'd never heard of three years ago. I'm comfortable in my new skin, and I love how my hair grazes the middle of my back when straighten... or sits atop my head in coily ringlets.
I truly have a head of crowning glory!
I truly have a head of crowning glory!
I am excited, but still perplexed. Why come (yes, WHY COME) they don't teach little black girls HOW to care for their own hair? Why do companies only sell lye products to straighten it, products that are anti-humectant to lock the moisture out, spritz and gels full of alcohol to suck the moisture out ? Why do we pay stylist or buy Hot Tools curling irons to fry our hair to death with heat so hot the natural pattern is burned out? Why has no one ever took the time to see what makes black hair tick and how to make it look its best? Does no one give a damn about the beauty that black women are capable of naturally? Why have we been sold this egregious lie that our hair can't grow to the middle of our back?These lies are keeping us slave to a system that thrives from our ignorance.
What eats me up the most, is when I see 10, 12, 14, 16 year old girls at the bus stop or on the train with dry, short, heat-damaged horseshoes (the part of the weave that leaves out their own hair) and then cheap, matted or tangled weave plastered on the rest of their head. Why don't they know? Why won't someone take them all to the nearest auditorium and sit them down and teach them the truth about THEIR hair. It breaks my heart, that our young girls look on tv and for the most part all of the black women are reinforcing the standard of beauty as $700 weaves, that these little girls fail miserably to duplicate. Who will free them????
P.S. From time to time I get weak, and my insecurities creep back in and my laziness causes me to take the shortcut to long, shiny tresses. But my shortcut is short-lived. After a few weeks of wearing someone else's curls, I walk past the mirror, and long for the beauty that is all mine.
In actuality, I'm not opposed to wearing weaves or extensions, they can actually serve as a protective style for giving your real hair a break. However, I AM opposed to being a slave to them. I believe they should be an option, like a hat. And most important, your hair should be loved, maintained and treasured underneath, in the interim.
(no heat, flexi-rod set)
(blow dryed, and silked)
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